I seem to have been swayed to leave UCLA and today's events only intensified these feelings.

Financially speaking, I have always somehow had many misfortunes within the UC system. Unfortunately, UCLA is no exception. Missteps occurred during the calculation of my loans and when one loan failed, another federal loan was "maxed out" to make up for it. However, this error was fixed and I was faced with an "over award" which I understood. When the rest of the fixed loan was given to me to cover housing and living expenses, I was told that the "over award" amount had been subtracted from this and accounted for. This was wrong.

Basically, I have to pay 1800 by next Friday or else I will be unable to enroll next quarter, and because of this outstanding balance, my financial aid will be unable to cover my expenses for the rest of the year, should I decide to pay it using my aid, which if is not done by next week, will accumulate 20 dollars per day in late fees.

Right now, I see no point in continuing my education within a system that cares about money more than its students, research more than the quality of education, and a brand name more than actual learning. I see no reason to have to attempt to make an appointment with an adviser for literally 5 days, to have to wait more than 3 days for an email response in which I titled URGENT as it referred to me dropping a class and how it would affect me, to have to take astronomy and calculus and chemistry when all I wanted to study was linguistics, maybe a few languages here and there and should time permit take things such as those mentioned with my "open units," for my own pleasure.


I am failing to understand why I am so unhappy here knowing that thousands of people would do anything to be in my position. I am struggling to remember who I was, to define who I am, and think about who I want to be, when I can't even answer the question, "Where are you from?"

And all this while, in the back of my head, I ask myself if I will ever stop searching, stop moving, stop thinking too much, just BEING, and find everything I have been looking for.

I had a bit of a nervous break down yesterday; oops. I wrote in my real life journal, well I started a new "Guernica" notebook as the other one was filled to the brim with memoirs of my time abroad. Anyway, it felt nice but I felt like I was abandoning you, blogspot.

So here I am to "write" an update. I am dropping one of my classes, and for the past 3 days, moving back to the UK has been constantly on my mind. I have spoken to my parents about it and they have agreed to support whatever decision I make. I'm petrified, feel alone for the very first time in my life,(I've a bit of a reputation as a misanthrope who happens to be fiercely independent and despite my exterior, actually abhor human interactions), and am not sure that even if I were to choose Edinburgh (again) it would be the "right" decision.

I am swirling in this abyss of paper work and research and I've constructed this post it mountain full of lists and lists of why to stay or why to go, amidst it, my errands for the week. I hate that I am so indecisive. It terrifies me to think that despite all of these moves and adventures I somehow end up on, that I won't find happiness. Yet again, I'm still working out the semantics of that word in the corners of my brain.

Anyway, this song has been my salvation all of tonight; sung by this woman who used to be my IDOL when I was younger. I seriously adored her. So, I give to you, "La Vida Es Un Carnaval" by the one and only Celia Cruz, que descanse en paz.





xx

I was rummaging for Alif Baa when I saw the white notebook Santina gave to me New Year's Day. It was a gift from her host family she couldn't take and didn't want. It had 1.5 entries, including a summary of my New Year's Eve and how I met my soul mate (???) from South Africa at a kebab shop in Camden and it went on for ages and pages, spilling out with love for England.

There isn't a day really where I don't think about that South African guy, totaaally weird.

Anyway, I am having doubts about being a Bruin. Well that would seem normal if you know me. My indecisiveness and spontaneity are too much for even myself at times. It's still not the right fit, but at this point, I am kind of ready just to graduate and be done so the most likely thing will be I shall stay and graduate from UCLA.

I think I never write in this because I really hate when people read what I write. Writing has been my passion since I was little and the funny thing was I always wanted to be a writer, where people always read what you write...

I have too many journals to keep track of, although this is the fastest method. Oh technology I will never be able to keep up in this race.

The thing that is keeping me going is that in a little over a month from now, I will be in Peru! and that Kate skyped me today AND I got to talk to Noelle and Mowgli! and I am feeling much better after that random excuse to be stabbed with Novocaine (aka mystery lump) has been taken care of, despite missing two lectures :(

I finally also applied for World Cup tickets and after dealing with my father's demands, it is a relief to be stress free regarding that. Let's hope I get the right ones!!!

well goodbye for now, I see that white notebook out of the corner of my eye and I much prefer to abuse my Muji pens on thick slabs of paper maché like paper than to mechanically press buttons and stare at a screen to release my deepest thoughts.

this was swell though. thanks

xx

Je suis une citadine.

London me manque.

Mais, New York me manque plus.

Suspiro.

maybe

London is a good place to stick around in for at least a few more years.
Stacy brought this to my attention: "London is your life/love."

So true.

Plus, after seeing horrific statuses on Facebook regarding the current swine flu pandemic, I can see why the "Americans are ignorant," stereotype still exists and is actually somewhat true, sadly.

"We should just cut Mexico from our border and let them be an island because they contribute absolutely nothing to the world." ( I had to fix a typo so it's not 100% from the speaker...where did you learn to spell?! MEXICO? Obviously not at UNAM though!!!)

REALLY?

I hope you think of that statement regarding the United States 3rd largest trading partner next time you eat a burrito or pull up to Del Taco, or make some guac, (as the avocado originated from Southern Mexico), illegally sipping a margarita, corona, pacifico, or just throwing back a shot of Cuervo, (which is LEGAL in Mexico) on the beaches of Cancun, Cabo San Lucas, that yes, are parts of MEXICO...or when you use math considering the Mayas invented ZERO, or when you eat a chocolate bar... (you're welcome) Oh and when you see a building with pyramids in the Northern Hemisphere or look at a canal or dam system, you should probably thank the Aztecs since they were the first in North America to engineer such profound architecture and ideas. Or maybe Mexico will cross your mind when you realize that oh my goodness, what is this? La Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México, one of the most respected universities in the entire WORLD, ranks higher than the university you currently attend?! (150th, a few behind the likes of USC , Texas A&M, and above Rutgers) But I thought Mexicans were just illegal workers that smelled and couldn't speak English. In case you were wondering why it is so hard to learn English if you're a Spanish speaker, I'd love to explain it to you but I fear the linguistic theories behind it would just confuse you; but if you're ever down to discuss phonology over a cup of coffee, oh wait, coffee from the Arabs that ruled Spain which eventually took over Mexico..hmm I guess those damn cacao beans just got everywhere huh? Well, I guess that's out...as is your Starbucks frapp! Just a thought. Or maybe when you have children and tell them a bedtime story in a few years, maybe The Rabbit and the Tortoise, based off the Aztec story: the Lion and the Cricket, you'll learn that maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge a culture off stereotypes when you have absolutely no idea what is going on.

You should be thankful you live in a country that has such great leadership and less flaws in their government.

And I sincerely hope that one day you will be less ignorant.

I am beyond offended, so if that was your goal, congratulations.

whirlwind.

Vacation was fun. I'll discuss that more later. Right now I am still reeling in excitement that I got into UCLA!!!!

And King's College, London, also quite prestigious...but UCLA!! I wasn't accepted in high school and that is my dad's dream school! My mother also loves UCLA and cried when she found out, as did I. I never thought I could accomplish such great things seriously.

So now the choices are:

UCLA
Edinburgh - unconditional offer
King's College, London -unconditional offer
USC

I need to stop being so excited and distracted and finish this paper. I am 1/3 of the way done, which is nothing considering this is a hardcore philosophy paper on a subject I am not completely competent in haha. okay, one last look at the UCLA website and then back to work!!

Ugh, why why why?

Yes, please call me at 4:37 AM to tell me you are bailing because you are irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate.

At least I get to see Bob Dylan play.

I swear this man has changed my life. He won the Pulitzer Prize for his music!
I have floor tickets, am going alone (a first!), am taking a bus to Cardiff and now have even more of an excuse to drench myself in his albums.

Currently on one of his best: Another Side of Bob Dylan.

It is 6:24 in London and I can't sleep. I wrote a 26 page paper that I am pretty happy with, must print it out and I WILL PICK UP MY EXAM TIME TABLE HARRY. I promise. I want salmon salad or chicken from the Curve but will settle for buying new pasta sauce at Budgens as Noelle is visiting this weekend and I know no one will bring ingredients for Mexican fiesta, and I know I am going to overspend.

Good thing I found out UCI was keeping 3,435 from me. THANKS GUYS. That IOP guy is useless. Next year my resolution will be to be less bitter.

I think it's the lack of sleep, really.

Also, Wicked is overrated. I should have gone to see Les Misérables. Whatevs, a week from now, I will be in Morocco. I am a very lucky girl and my parents/brother rule at life.

and why is drycleaning so expensive?

Lastly, recommendation: DO NOT LIVE OFF OF RED BULL FOR 3 DAYS STRAIGHT.

two headed girl?

I think my room mate from home hates me now
things have been so awkward since I've been away
maybe they were right.

all i do is leave
but couldn't she see that I am happy now?
is it selfish if you finally get what you've been looking for?
if you're at a place where you are accomplishing nothing, being unhappy, wasting time?

who wouldn't want to leave?

go ahead, move out.
I thought it would be okay. I would come home, have some good times before I really did leave.

I guess I was wrong.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

I knew I said I wouldn't cry.

I forgot about Brown this year.

My stomach won't stop churning

I couldn't possibly care less about metaphors and the cognitive processes that produce said phenomenon...or the huge essay I have to write on this by Friday. Oops.

Just one question, Mr. Davis

Why should I call when I have nothing to say?

and why is it that there is nothing to say between two formerly, I suppose now, close friends?
No excitement or thrills. I thought I had missed you but I am not even sure what it means to miss someone anymore.

It is not simply having the lack.

So I'm back....

to being the crazy insomnia-driven writer. I've missed the keys. Missed being drained by putting so much of myself into something. Missed the art of it all.

I might stay. I'm having a whirlwind of a time. And things just keep getting stranger. Sorry I am so cryptic. It's habitual. An innate mechanism, I swear. I promise to be loyal and write this time. Maybe even put some photos up.

London is great and I don't ever want to leave. If only money grew on trees.

And to my dear friends, thanks for keeping in touch xx

Oh wait...

I won't apologize for my bitterness.