I seem to have been swayed to leave UCLA and today's events only intensified these feelings.

Financially speaking, I have always somehow had many misfortunes within the UC system. Unfortunately, UCLA is no exception. Missteps occurred during the calculation of my loans and when one loan failed, another federal loan was "maxed out" to make up for it. However, this error was fixed and I was faced with an "over award" which I understood. When the rest of the fixed loan was given to me to cover housing and living expenses, I was told that the "over award" amount had been subtracted from this and accounted for. This was wrong.

Basically, I have to pay 1800 by next Friday or else I will be unable to enroll next quarter, and because of this outstanding balance, my financial aid will be unable to cover my expenses for the rest of the year, should I decide to pay it using my aid, which if is not done by next week, will accumulate 20 dollars per day in late fees.

Right now, I see no point in continuing my education within a system that cares about money more than its students, research more than the quality of education, and a brand name more than actual learning. I see no reason to have to attempt to make an appointment with an adviser for literally 5 days, to have to wait more than 3 days for an email response in which I titled URGENT as it referred to me dropping a class and how it would affect me, to have to take astronomy and calculus and chemistry when all I wanted to study was linguistics, maybe a few languages here and there and should time permit take things such as those mentioned with my "open units," for my own pleasure.


I am failing to understand why I am so unhappy here knowing that thousands of people would do anything to be in my position. I am struggling to remember who I was, to define who I am, and think about who I want to be, when I can't even answer the question, "Where are you from?"

And all this while, in the back of my head, I ask myself if I will ever stop searching, stop moving, stop thinking too much, just BEING, and find everything I have been looking for.

I had a bit of a nervous break down yesterday; oops. I wrote in my real life journal, well I started a new "Guernica" notebook as the other one was filled to the brim with memoirs of my time abroad. Anyway, it felt nice but I felt like I was abandoning you, blogspot.

So here I am to "write" an update. I am dropping one of my classes, and for the past 3 days, moving back to the UK has been constantly on my mind. I have spoken to my parents about it and they have agreed to support whatever decision I make. I'm petrified, feel alone for the very first time in my life,(I've a bit of a reputation as a misanthrope who happens to be fiercely independent and despite my exterior, actually abhor human interactions), and am not sure that even if I were to choose Edinburgh (again) it would be the "right" decision.

I am swirling in this abyss of paper work and research and I've constructed this post it mountain full of lists and lists of why to stay or why to go, amidst it, my errands for the week. I hate that I am so indecisive. It terrifies me to think that despite all of these moves and adventures I somehow end up on, that I won't find happiness. Yet again, I'm still working out the semantics of that word in the corners of my brain.

Anyway, this song has been my salvation all of tonight; sung by this woman who used to be my IDOL when I was younger. I seriously adored her. So, I give to you, "La Vida Es Un Carnaval" by the one and only Celia Cruz, que descanse en paz.





xx

I was rummaging for Alif Baa when I saw the white notebook Santina gave to me New Year's Day. It was a gift from her host family she couldn't take and didn't want. It had 1.5 entries, including a summary of my New Year's Eve and how I met my soul mate (???) from South Africa at a kebab shop in Camden and it went on for ages and pages, spilling out with love for England.

There isn't a day really where I don't think about that South African guy, totaaally weird.

Anyway, I am having doubts about being a Bruin. Well that would seem normal if you know me. My indecisiveness and spontaneity are too much for even myself at times. It's still not the right fit, but at this point, I am kind of ready just to graduate and be done so the most likely thing will be I shall stay and graduate from UCLA.

I think I never write in this because I really hate when people read what I write. Writing has been my passion since I was little and the funny thing was I always wanted to be a writer, where people always read what you write...

I have too many journals to keep track of, although this is the fastest method. Oh technology I will never be able to keep up in this race.

The thing that is keeping me going is that in a little over a month from now, I will be in Peru! and that Kate skyped me today AND I got to talk to Noelle and Mowgli! and I am feeling much better after that random excuse to be stabbed with Novocaine (aka mystery lump) has been taken care of, despite missing two lectures :(

I finally also applied for World Cup tickets and after dealing with my father's demands, it is a relief to be stress free regarding that. Let's hope I get the right ones!!!

well goodbye for now, I see that white notebook out of the corner of my eye and I much prefer to abuse my Muji pens on thick slabs of paper maché like paper than to mechanically press buttons and stare at a screen to release my deepest thoughts.

this was swell though. thanks

xx